I have made so many excuses in my life. When people think of excuses they think of deflecting blame or avoiding taking responsibility for something. But what about the other types of excuses? What about the excuses we make and lie to ourselves about for years in order to avoid chasing our dreams, trying new things, or even becoming successful?
I am a master at making up excuses. I have told myself lie after lie to avoid following paths in life that I truly want to follow because I’m afraid. Afraid of failure, of judgement, of making mistakes, of the world seeing me stumble. Afraid of what people will think or say or believe about me. You see, with my anxiety comes a hyper-awareness of those around me and, consequently, a sense of paranoia about whether people are judging me. The truth is I have let so many opportunities and dreams pass me by because I have been so afraid to chase them that I have talked myself out of trying. It’s too expensive. It’s too risky. It’s nearly impossible to succeed. It would take too much time. It’s not possible to drop everything right now. I can’t. I couldn’t. I’m not good enough. I’ll never make it, anyways. Oh trust me, there’s a list about a mile long. And the truth is blogging is one of those things on my list that terrifies me. Do you want to know why my presence on here is so sporadic? Why I pop up to blog for a few days only to retreat again for a month or two and then resurface? Excuses.
And truly, some of the excuses are valid. I’m too busy, there’s too much homework, life got in the way. These things happen, and it’s okay. But the true problem was never being too busy or not having enough time, because we MAKE time for the things that are important to us, right? The problem was I WANTED to be too busy to blog. I wanted to say I was trying my best while avoiding something that terrifies me. I wanted to stay in my safe comfortable bubble of not putting myself out there or having the possibility of judgment or failure. I wanted to be a blogger without ever blogging.
It sounds silly, right? But I bet I’m only one of many people who have avoided something they love or really want to pursue because of fear or discomfort. I let myself get away with these excuses for so long and I actually convinced myself that they were true. And, with a helpful nudge from my husband, I finally decided it’s enough. I recently made the decision to leave my part-time job to put all extra time and energy beyond school for the next 6 months into writing on here. And I will tell you, I’m terrified. It’s hard to admit to myself, the world, and you, but my honest truth is I am scared. But I also have no excuse anymore. I don’t get to hide behind a busy life and pretend I don’t have time anymore.
Why am I sharing this with you? First, I want this blog to be a place of transparency and honesty. There is SO MUCH out there that is fake and posed and unreal, and while I enjoy that as much as the next person, my goal for this blog was always to make it raw and real. Second, I am holding myself accountable to writing through you. This post is my way of making sure I don’t fall off the wagon again or make new excuses to avoid the things I fear. And finally, many of us know what it’s like to be afraid and to self-sabotage as a result. I’m here to say (at the risk of sounding like a fortune cookie): join me on a journey toward leaving excuses in the past.
